There are some days when I’d just like to be by myself and left alone. This is one of those days.
I know that I have made a promise to myself to make the most of the days or years left to me on this earth, along with a vow to try to do something good everyday. I want this last episode of my life to count for something and to make a dent – even if it’s a tiny one – in someone’s else’s life besides my own. I know we all tend to look back very critically at where we’ve been and what we’ve done – or failed to do – and I am guilty as charged. I want this time in my life to be meaningful and special. I am tired of making mistakes and missing the mark. I don’t want to do this anymore!
But today, I simply want to be by myself. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to read or send a text, I don’t want to post a status on Facebook (and for those of you who are seeing the irony in this statement, I am writing this on one day, and posting it on another), and I don’t want to meet my neighbor as I go in and out of my home and be forced to engage in conversation with her and smell her stale cigarette smoke.
Is there anything wrong with this? Am I being selfish and self-centered? Is it all about me – again? I feel like I should be out there, being friendly, smiling, and otherwise greeting the people I meet along my way in a cheerful and upbeat way. But that is not how I feel today. I like the silence of my home, the quiet solitude of a walk with Sunshine in an empty park, and the dark screen on my iPhone.
I have no television to invade my ears with noise. My radio sits silent; my CD player, as well. I can hear the sound of traffic as cars and trucks travel up and down my street, but I have no desire to look out my front window to see who they might be. My ceiling fan is click-click-clicking as the paddles rotate above me. My refrigerator hums from time to time as it keeps my food cold, and my computer keys tap-tap with my fingers as I write this. Other than these sounds, all is quiet here. I like it.
So, how am I going to make a difference in someone’s life today, or do something good? It doesn’t look like I’ll fulfill my vow today. I need this day to make a difference in my life (yes, it really is all about me, I guess!), and to have this quiet time to refuel, reflect, renew, and replenish. I need to experience a bit of boredom, so that the creativity in my life has a chance to refresh herself and wade out of the muck of my brain and into the open air. I need to get off the social media merry-go-round for a little while, and think about other things than what my “friends” are saying and doing. I need some time to connect with my spiritual nature and listen to what God has to offer me. It is a day for me to look at my path, take a deep breath or two, rub a pebble between my thumb and fingers, and just BE. There are no decisions waiting to be made, no deadlines looming, and no pressure to be somewhere at a particular time.
It may appear to some that I am being a hermit today, and perhaps a bit snobby and unfriendly. Please be patient with me. Allow me this day alone.
I’ll be back tomorrow.