Guilty as charged. As long as I can remember, even as a little girl, I have always lived as much in the future and in the past, as I have in the present. My blog is proof of that. My collection of days are mostly memories of my past!
Throughout the course of my life, the future seems to have been always on my mind, as I strain my neck to see what is around the next curve in my road. I daydream, I plan, I hope and pray for good things in the days ahead.
I dreamed of getting married, having babies, and living happily ever after.
I then dreamed of going back to college to complete my degree as soon as my sons were old enough for me to attempt the challenge.
Later, I dreamed that one day I wouldn’t be living in a parsonage, and that I would have a place of my own.
I dreamed that I would have a career, and that my career would take off, awarding me with no more financial woes.
I dreamed that I would grow old with my second husband, since my dream hadn’t panned out so well with my first one. That one didn’t work out so well, either. Both are now safely stored in my memories of the past!
On a smaller scale, I dreamed of summer vacations, of planting vegetable gardens, of summer breezes and sandy beaches.
It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate my present moments and soak them in. But they were so fleeting! I’d turn around and they were gone – into my past. It seemed that sometimes it was easier to look toward the future, planning for my next day, week, month, or year, than it was to recognize that where I was at that specific time was a very good place.
And, with each day I encounter, my past grows. Memories pile up, and I find myself sorting through them to determine which are worth keeping and incorporating into the ME I am today. Some are merely life lessons to think of every now and then, and some are those I really need to leave in the past, and quit beating myself up over them. I watch them grow dimmer and dimmer in my rearview mirror, with a heartfelt thank you to God for delivering me, loving me, and strengthening me. This is where my new favorite word, “gratitude” comes into play on a huge scale!
I still look to the future and plan – mostly, for my retirement these days. I know the day is coming – and it won’t be long – when I will have to rely on what I have saved and what I have accomplished to move me into these last years of my life. Sometimes the future looks bright, and sometimes bleak – depending on my present circumstances and frame of mind.
I am becoming more and more aware of my present moment. Prayer and meditation have helped me with this. Instead of “I will be”, I try to focus on “I am.” I want to be the person that God created me to be, which is definitely in the future, since I am still learning and becoming. But each moment is precious to me, and I try each day to focus on the NOW, and not on tomorrow. My aim is to not waste any of my NOW moments, but to appreciate each one as it slips quietly and quickly into my past.
A very dear friend once reminded me as I was moaning over mistakes I’ve made in my life that I am the person I am today because of who I was in my past. As I center myself in my present, look to the future, and remember the past, I know that with each NOW moment, I am changing and becoming who I was created to be.
Past, Present, and Future. In truth, I live in all three. My goal is to find the balance in my life where they all serve me well and keep me centered.
It’s too much for my little brain to try to figure this one out! I have today. It’s bright and sunny outside. I’m taking my little dog, Sunshine, for a walk.
I’ll see you in my future!